I’m Still Angry At My Ex. What Now?

If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

When my first boyfriend and I split up, it was mutual. But just two weeks after we’d had the “Yeah, we’re done” chat, he began dating one of his colleagues. 

Two. Weeks.

When I found out, I felt betrayed. I felt it had made a mockery of our three-year relationship. Like growing up together, even losing our virginities to one another had been discarded like a wrapper at his after-school fast food job. Like it was nothing. 

Now, I can look back and laugh. He was just being a stupid teenager, thinking with his dick and finally being allowed to pursue his pretty workplace crush since we’d called it quits. 

But at the time, the anger of knowing he’d been flirting with her on shift, of asking myself if he’d actually cheated on me was brutal. 

Here’s how I got over it. 

Talk it out 

Whether it’s in therapy or confiding in a friend, talking about your emotions can help to release them. You can find solace in hearing other people’s stories or gain a new perspective on the situation. Don’t bottle it up. 

Bottling things up and “getting on with it” is often seen as the masculine thing to do in Western society but you’re only doing yourself a disservice by keeping things inside. 

The anger and resentment can build into something truly toxic, so get it out while it’s fresh in your mind. You’re not weak for needing some help navigating a complex emotion. 

Distraction 

Like any Skins-era teenager, I got over the anger through distraction. I couldn’t be angry at this boy if I was making out with a different cute boy, right?

I’m not suggesting you sleep with your whole town but a little flirt and rendezvous with some hotties could help your brain to look for something that’s not them.

Distractions also don’t have to come in the form of sex. Simply hanging out with your mates, starting a new hobby or finally putting hours into a goal you’ve been meaning to get to can help ease the feelings of rage. 

Whatever you do, don’t throw those distractions back in the other person’s face. You’ll look messy and potentially hurt the other person, making you stoop to their level. Remember, they go low, we go high etc etc. 

Why are you angry? 

Once the attraction of distractions wears off, it’s probably time to sit down and think about why you’re angry. Even writing out the situation can provide some relief. 

There may be nothing you can do about the break-up now. I mean, shit happens, your ex has moved on and your friends are sick of hearing about it but recognising why you’re angry may help to validate it. 

Find a physical outlet 

Anger is one of the most physical emotions we have. It can trigger our “fight or flight” response and flood our bodies with stress hormones. 

Rather than taking this out on yourself or others, find a physical activity that helps to move the emotion through your body. Some examples may include, running, boxing, surfing, tennis, or weight-lifting.

Anger is a normal and healthy emotion but channelling it into activities (rather than destructive behaviour) may help it to ease. 

Time 

In the moment, anger is all-consuming. It feels like you’ll never get over it and the betrayal will last a lifetime. In some cases, this is true.

But often, the passing of years will ease the emotions. There’ll be something else to focus on or worry about and soon, the wound won’t feel like an oozing, bleeding hole, but rather a scab that will sometimes get knocked accidentally. Maybe you’ll even forgive the person. Life is short, after all.  

As for me and my first love? We send each other birthday messages every year, wishing one another nothing but a happy life.

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